Dealing With Grief

I’ve been going back and forth with whether I would ever write about this. But with it being such a large part of my life now and knowing that there are so many other people who have are currently dealing with grief or those who may need these words in the future, I decided to write this in hopes that it will provide some help and comfort.

Dealing with Grief 

I lost my dad this past February. He was everything I could have ever asked for in a dad and then some, he was almost unreal. Not only was he my favorite person, but he was THE person. And because he made such a large imprint on my life, and took up so much space in my heart, losing him felt like I’d also lost myself. I was devastated.

I’d never experienced true heartbreak, at one point I thought I had in a relationship. But this was different, it was raw, and it was unlike anything I’d ever felt before in my life.

I was a stranger to grief, I’d heard about it, and seen it on TV. I’d watch people tell those who are grieving that there are stages of grief, some would tell them how to grieve while others would say that there’s no one way to grieve. But there is absolutely nothing that anyone can say to prepare you for what it really looks and feels like.

The anger, pain, confusion, trauma, loneliness, numbness, guilt, regret, the moments when you feel like you’re okay and then suddenly you find yourself crying your heart out at a red light(this happened so many times, I know people had to be staring at me like I was crazy but I didn’t care even a smidgen), the feeling that you may not make it through it, or not knowing how you’re going to make it through it.

And on top of trying to stomach all these emotions and feelings that I ‘d never felt before to this magnitude, I still had to be a mother and show up with my Fantastic Four.

And if I’m being completely honest, I was doing a terrible job. I couldn’t function, they’d never seen me cry so much, I couldn’t hide it, couldn’t play strong when I felt like I should have been. There were times I would avoid them so that I didn’t have to deal with the questions because I couldn’t take it nor could I talk about it; and I was in no position to help them with their grief when they’d just lost their grandpa. I was losing myself to my grief, and they were losing me.

What They Don’t Tell You

No one prepared me for how lonely it would be. When it first happens, everyone floods you with kind words and “I’m here if you need me”s. But everyone quickly moves on and they in so many words expect for you to do the same. Because they weren’t affected by it, or maybe they were but not as deeply. After so long most don’t really want to hear about it anymore and you find yourself suffering silently without anyone to really confide in because everyone else has moved on with their lives. And you begin to feel guilty for even bringing it up. I think this is when it really gets hard. Because now you’re virtually alone in a sea full of people.

I found myself screaming inside my head because I couldn’t do it out loud. And eventually I just began to bury it. No one really understood and no one tried to. It’s hard to relate to something you’ve never experienced so I couldn’t really blame them. They don’t know what they don’t know, and it wasn’t their burden to bear.

I don’t know the moment I began to bury it. But at some point, I just stopped dealing with all that I was going through. I buried it, acting as though I had gotten through it. I was hyperactive on social media, laughing and joking as much as I could, always having to be surrounded by noise so that I never had to face the silence. Because within that silence was the grief. I was suffering subconsciously.

My relationship with my children was suffering, I was battling depression and didn’t even realize it and as a result, I started making some poor decisions.

My Turning Point

Finally, it all came to a head, I was overwhelmed, my mind was cluttered, and I couldn’t think straight. I couldn’t keep going like this. All I needed to do was take one step in the right direction. So, I deleted every app from my phone where my voice or face was necessary. I didn’t want to talk, be seen, or heard. I just wanted to be.  So I shut it all down.

It wasn’t until my world became silent and I stood still for the first time that everything I had buried and ran from began to seep through the cracks, and then it came bursting. More than likely, had I dealt with it all sooner and not avoided it, it wouldn’t have taken me so long to begin healing.

It was as though all at once I was facing months of grief that I had been trying to avoid. It was every bit of painful as if my heart was breaking all over again.

But the more I cried and prayed through it and started being honest about what it was I was feeling, the more I started to notice some changes.

Here are some things I did to help myself work toward grieving in a healthier way:

• “I am Not Okay” I started being honest and telling those who were close to me that I was not okay, and that I just needed some space and time to heal and get my mind right. They understood and though they would check on me from time to time they respected the space that I was in.
• I Pulled Out My Journal. I started writing. The gave me a release. I’m not someone who can work out all of my thoughts mentally. Sometimes I need to see it in front of me. I could write whatever I was feeling, things I didn’t feel comfortable saying to anyone else. This made me feel much lighter.
• I STAYED off of Social Media. Social media, Twitter, IG, Facebook & Clubhouse were my vices. They were escapes from my pain. So, I left. Committing to not returning until I had done the work to get better and work through my grief in a healthier way. This made a world of a difference to my mental health. It allowed me the space to take inventory on what I was feeling rather than filling it with conversation that wasn’t really helping me.
• I Decluttered. Nobody could’ve ever told me how much of a game changer this was. So much of my life ended when I lost my dad. Not only did I lose him, but I’d also lost my career as I worked for him. There was so much loss that I felt like I was suffocating in it.

You know how in the movies when the character loses someone and they have this moment when they started throwing things out and then they move and get a fresh start? I get it now.

What I needed was a new chapter, a fresh start. So, room by room I began throwing away and donating any and everything that wasn’t a necessity. My house was practically empty, but it was the first time I felt anything remotely close to peace and freedom. With every box and bag that left the house I felt so much lighter. This was my new beginning. Once I decluttered, I was able to clear up the mental space to both grieve and begin getting ready for the new chapter of my life and whatever my future had to offer.

“…a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to throw away.” Ecclesiastes 3:6

• I Started Praying & Reading Again. This is by far the most important and the one I lacked the most since dad. I couldn’t read my scriptures and I couldn’t pray. Even when deep down I know I should’ve been. But I think I may have been angry at The Most High for taking him away from me. It’s a lot of nerve to be mad at the literal creator of all things, but it’s the truth. Because I didn’t understand. And my mom helped me realize that it wasn’t really for me to understand.

‘“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways,” declares יהוה.’ Yeshayah (Isaiah) 55:8

The fact of the matter is my dad was not the first person to pass, and he wouldn’t be the last. There are somethings that we don’t understand and that is okay. I can’t deal in what I feel could have been or should have been, because that was never promised, and that was merely my human perspective. And honestly, it wasn’t my place.

I must deal with what I do know and live with the facts. And the facts are:

• He loved us with everything he had in him, he gave selflessly and more than he ever got in return.
• My father dedicated his life to always wanting to do the right thing, and do good by everyone, even when they didn’t do right by him.
• I know that he loved The Most High and made following the way his #1 priority and he saw to it that anyone who knew him knew that.
• I know that he is now at peace.
• And I know that he would want me to carry every lesson and speech that he ever gave, along with his wisdom and the scriptures in my heart, allowing them to be a light within me so that I can now walk the same way.

It’s these facts that now bring me peace. And had I not began to allow myself to grieve I may not have gotten to this place. The facts keep me grounded.

So How Do I Work Through It?

I allow myself to feel all of the emotions as they come, but I avoid getting swept away by them. When the sadness comes, I feel it and I cry as I need to for as long as I need to until it passes. It’s a good release and its nothing to be ashamed of. Through the sadness, I also make sure to think of the million times he made me laugh, when he made me smile or just happy to be around him, or the feelings of just being grateful to have him.

But I also allow myself to feel the regret and the guilt. When I wasn’t good to him, when I took him for granted or when I was selfish. This process isn’t about making myself feel good its about being honest and coming to accept all of it, the good and the bad. And the truth is that I was not the perfect daughter, and although I tried to make up for it and we reached a place where he could see my growth and express that he was proud of my progress, I still carry the former years with me. Being realistic and not pretending as though the guilt isn’t coming from a real place and there are somethings we just cannot take back. But this makes me a better person to those who are still here.

I’ve recently committed to trying to love harder. For a while I was afraid to give anyone anymore than I had to because I feared I would lose them too and I couldn’t bare facing that pain again. Which is completely counter-productive but again, its all a process and I am learning.

I stopped self-sabotaging.

*sigh* Its easy to fall into a habit of bad decision making when you’re grieving, and it only makes what you’re going through that much worse. I had to start making decisions that would help and not harm me.

Grief is a time where we are a lot more vulnerable, and the enemy won’t waste any time attaching himself to you, and before you know it you’ve found yourself picking up bad habits and spiraling out of control if you aren’t careful. I had to start strengthening my mental and getting re-focused on the task at hand. With my dad gone I felt more exposed and like a target because essentially my protection was gone. I was warring for my mind because spiritually I was under attack, and I didn’t realize that at first.

I’d decided, I wanted to be a woman that my dad could be proud of. That’s the path I was on when he passed and that’s the path I’m committed to staying on.

I’m getting back serious about my walk with the Father.

I lost my footing. But I understand that I am not getting through this without Him. And He has shown me time and time again since dad left that I could depend on Him. So, on Him is where I will lean, and I will get through this. And so will you.

To Wrap it Up

This isn’t one of those posts where I try to make it like I have it all figured out. I don’t and I never will. I am still navigating through this, there are good days and there are bad days, but dealing with grief head on and not allowing it to take me under is why I’m able to get through this in a much better place.

Don’t let anyone tell you how to grieve, what I can say I’ve learned over these past 5 months, is don’t run from it. It is not easy, and it is not simple, but you must get through it. The sun will shine again. Be patient with yourself, there is no time limit on how long it takes for us to get through this.

I know that this isn’t as structured as my other posts, it’s a bit messy and probably repetitive, but it’s real. And it was laid on my heart today to share it with you. As always, if you have anything you would like to add feel free to comment below here or email me directly if I can be of any further help to you. Because grief is not easy, and we shouldn’t have to navigate it alone.

“Casting all your worry upon Him, for He is concerned about you.” 1 Kepha (Peter) 5:7

I pray this helps those of you who needed it, and if you know of anyone who needs this, feel free to share this with them.

With all of the love,

Tierra Larai.